dont look now...
but i think were being followed.
I SAID DONT LOOK!
you looked didnt you.
oh gee.what a surprise
narcisism
TimTamTomTan
this is where the boring info goes.
13/8/91
Sunday, June 01, 2008
i think. oh wait. i cant.
i finally found it. but it will never be mine. and the more and more i get closer to it the more i know that its gonna be hard when it doesnt work out in the end. nearer and nearer draws closer but still i dont pull away its like a really really really painful game that as a lose lose situation on either side and somehow i know im gonna regret it cause il never be good enough.
great isnt good enough. sweet isnt sweet enough. enough never is enough.
im always just 'enough' i know i should quit while im ahead but i cant let go. finally i figured out what i want and i also figured out the difference between want and need. like i wanted a new ds since my old one got stolen. or i need food to live. unfortunatly in this i dont get a choice to want or need. i just need and want and i know im digging my grave deeper in the hopes of breaking through but i know il never be more than enough and il never find something that i need this much.
its like watching someone fall from a high place and not being able to do anything about it. at the moment of flight. you wish you could catch the person or rope them in or slow their fall. but it happens anyway. they fall with a sickening thud and even though you try to not watch you cant take your eyes off every grimey detail. every sound. and smell. it just happens without being able to be stopped. no matter how much in your head you try to convince yourself that you could have done something to prevent it you just cant. its life. fuck life. life is unfair. i understand unfair. but life only seems unfair to me. life and me have issues. we dont work together well.
i paranoia that in the end im going to end up back where i started alone cold and wishing i was someone else. but i cant let go. my had is stuck in the cookie jar with the worlds biggest cookie and i cant let go. i try to smash the jar but the jar is too nice and the cookies like the safety of the jar better. i just cant change life no matter how much i try its not hollywood no big explosions no car chases. i just get my pair of hands that arent mine. the ones that i dont recognise in the end i know the only one i can blame for this is me. i just continued raising on a 2 spades and a 5 hearts thinking that my bluff would go unnoticed. its financial suicide and im ignoreing the fact that the other guy could have a straight a flush or a triple on the flop. its just great to see other people walk away with my life. but still i cant change life. life changes me. and all i have to say to that is fuck off. all ive gotten is a empty shell that clinks when clanked. its annoying that i know theres no turning back. there no hiro nakamura to do that face and make time rewind. im never going to be whole again. my confidence is built on sand. and my faith is leaning. i cant help but wonder what would happen if the jar wasnt there. would i be happy? or would that make things boring.
great isnt ever good enough. you can see it in the eyes of the critisiser. il never be even close to great. just a sub option. here i was, there i go. 11:47:00 AM
